Why It’s Important to Listen Carefully
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
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A Chinese man and a Jewish American man were sitting opposite each other in an otherwise empty train carriage. After half an hour the Jewish man suddenly got up and punched the Chinese guy full in the face then sat back down. "What did you do that for?" asked the Chinese man. The Jewish guy replied. "That’s for Pearl Harbour." The Chinese man explained that he was Chinese and not Japanese and the Jewish guy said."Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same to me, I’m sorry"
Ten minutes later the Chinese guy got up and kicked the Jewish guy hard on the shin. The Jewish guy said, "What did you do that for? I said sorry." The Chinese guy replied. "That’s for the Titanic." The Jewish guy replied. "That was sunk by an iceberg." The Chinese guy said, "Icebergs, Goldberg’s you are all the same to me."
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Did you hear about the blind skunk?
Fell in love with a fart!
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Six guys are playing poker. After losing 0 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who’s going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith’s wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost 0 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.
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why did the boy fall off the swing?

because someone threw a refrigerator at him
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John, a strawberry seller died and went to heaven. However, since he bribed many people during his life, St Peter decided that he should be going to hell. So then the fruit seller decided to bribe St Peter and said that he will give him a tone of strawberries. St Peter then said that in order to stay in heaven, john will have to shove that tone of strawberries up his A**. Desperate to stay, john did. Then came Phil, a friend of john who sold watermelons. Since he was also involved in bribing, St Peter decided to send Phil to hell. He too decided to bribe St Peter and said that he will give a tone of watermelons. Just as St peter asked john he told Phil to shove that tone of watermelon up his A** and he can to stay in heaven. So Phil did as St Peter asked. After while john and Phil both started to laugh. St Peter all confused asked both of them why they r laughing after such a punishment. John then replied “we r just waiting for our friend…he sold pineapples!”
stars r always welcome :D


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